Do As I Say, Not As I Do:

What Are Our Children Really Learning?

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Family Lesson

Our children hear what we tell them, but they also learn from what they repeatedly see us do. Sometimes helping them grow means being willing to grow ourselves.

“Put your phone away. We’re eating.”

The teenager reluctantly placed the phone on the table and returned to dinner.

A few minutes later, the parent's phone buzzed. Without thinking, they picked it up and began responding to a message.

The teenager didn't say anything.

They didn't have to.

Two lessons had just been taught.

The first was spoken: Phones shouldn't interrupt family time.

The second was demonstrated: Unless it's my phone.

Which one will the child remember?

That's the challenge with “Do as I say, not as I do.” Our intentions may be good, but sometimes there's a gap between what we're teaching and what we're modelling.

The Gap Isn't Just Our Child's

As parents, we spend years thinking about the distance between where our children are and where we hope they'll eventually be.

We want them to become financially responsible, emotionally mature, healthy, disciplined, and capable of making good decisions.

But there's another gap we don't always examine:

The distance between what we're asking our children to become and what they're watching us demonstrate.

We tell them to save money while they watch us constantly overspend.

We encourage healthy eating while struggling with our own choices.

We warn them about alcohol while they see drinking becoming a regular way of coping with stress.

We tell them to control their emotions while they watch us respond to frustration with anger.

We tell them to get off social media while we're constantly checking our phones.

Over time, these mixed messages can become more than contradictions. They can quietly shape what our children believe is normal.

A child may hear “save your money,” but learn that spending provides comfort.

They may hear “drink responsibly,” but learn that alcohol is how adults handle difficult days.

They may hear “control your temper,” but learn that anger is how problems get resolved.

Our words still matter.

But so does the life surrounding them.

Sometimes Our Struggles Are Why We Want Better for Them

“Do as I say, not as I do” isn't always hypocrisy.

Sometimes it's experience speaking.

Maybe you understand the consequences of poor financial decisions because you've lived them. Maybe you've struggled with alcohol, health, anger, eating habits, or technology.

You want something better for your child because you know how difficult the other road can become.

That's not failure.

But it does raise an important question:

Which lesson will have greater influence—the one our children hear or the one they repeatedly see?

Perhaps wanting better for them can become motivation to want better for ourselves too.

Closing Both Gaps

Imagine telling your teenager the family needs less screen time—and putting your own phone away too.

Maybe you're teaching financial responsibility and realize your spending needs attention. Instead of pretending you've always had it figured out, you say, “This is something I'm working on too.”

Maybe healthier eating becomes something the family works toward together.

Maybe after losing your temper, you apologize instead of defending your reaction.

Those moments teach something powerful.

Our children don't see perfection.

They see growth.

They learn that becoming better isn't something children are expected to do while adults stand still.

Let Them See the Work

Parents often feel pressure to have all the answers. But perhaps one of the healthiest examples we can give our children is allowing them to see us working on ourselves.

The goal isn't perfection.

It's intentionally shortening the gap between what we believe and how we live.

When children see us recognize a weakness, take responsibility, and work toward change, they're learning accountability, humility, resilience—and that change is possible.

We may never completely close the gap between who we are and who we hope to become.

Neither will our children.

But perhaps parenting isn't about standing on one side of the gap telling our children how to cross it.

Maybe sometimes it's about letting them see us walking across it too.

🔧 Reflection Toolbox

Look for the mixed message.
What are you encouraging your child to do that your behaviour may unintentionally contradict?

Be honest about your gap.
Struggling doesn't make you a failure. Recognizing where you need to grow is where change begins.

Let them see your progress.
Sometimes saying, “I'm working on this too,” teaches more than pretending you have everything figured out.

Model growth, not perfection.
Your children don't need perfect role models. They need to see what taking ownership and intentionally becoming better looks like.

Please don’t hesitate to pass this on to anyone who may find it valuable.

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