The Words We Hold Back
Part 2 of a 3 part series
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I love you: Healing Generational Silence
“I was in my 20s the first time my dad said, ‘I love you.’ I didn’t say it back.”
A lot of men reading this will understand why.
For many of us, love is something we do—not something we say. We show up. We fix things. We protect, we provide. But express it out loud? That feels uncomfortable, foreign—like wearing someone else’s shoes.
I want to share two moments in my life that helped me unpack that discomfort. And maybe, they’ll help you do the same.
The First Time My Dad Said “I Love You”
I was in my early 20s. By then, I’d grown up with my father as a consistent presence—always working, always showing support in quiet, practical ways. But never through words.
Then one day, out of the blue, he said it: “I love you.”
I froze. It caught me off guard. I didn’t know how to respond. My body stiffened, and my mind raced. Should I say it back? Do I hug him? Pretend I didn’t hear it?
Even though I knew he loved me, hearing it out loud was unfamiliar ground—and I didn’t have the map to navigate it.
When a Male Friend Said It First
Just a month ago, I was ending a phone call with a close male friend. We’d had a good conversation, nothing particularly deep. As we wrapped up, he said, “Alright man, I love you.”
Click.
I sat with the dial tone ringing in my ear. My brain instantly began dissecting it. Did he mean it as a joke? Was it serious? Should I have said it back?
I felt awkward—confused, even. Not because I didn’t care for him, but because I didn’t know how to process that level of vulnerability from another man.
Later, I brought it up with him. We talked openly. I told him it caught me off guard, but that it meant something. And in that conversation, something shifted. I became more comfortable. More vulnerable. The next time, I said it back. And I meant it.
Why Our Fathers Didn’t Say It
To understand why that “I love you” felt so jarring, we have to look at what shaped our fathers and grandfathers.
Men raised in the 1950s–1970s grew up in a culture where emotional expression was discouraged, even ridiculed. Being “tough” was the goal. Vulnerability was often viewed as weakness. According to Psychology Today, nearly 60% of men over age 60 say their fathers never told them “I love you.”
Many of them were raised in survival mode—dealing with poverty, war, racism, or migration. They learned to value discipline, duty, and work ethic. Love was shown through responsibility, not tenderness. Emotional needs weren’t often addressed—especially for boys.
So what happened?
That silence got passed down. We inherited the blueprint. We learned to give and receive love through actions, not words. We saw fathers sacrifice for their families but remain emotionally distant. No one modeled emotional language for us.
And when no one models it, we don’t know how to use it—until someone breaks the cycle.
Healing the Silence
Moments like the one with my dad or that phone call with my friend are more than just stories—they’re turning points.
They show us that men do want to express love. Often, we just don’t know how.
But here’s what I’ve learned: Saying “I love you” as a man doesn’t make you less strong. It makes you more human. It deepens relationships. It invites healing.
When we avoid expressing love, we don’t just protect ourselves—we unintentionally rob others of connection. Children crave verbal affirmation. Partners feel distant. Male friendships stay surface-level when they could be life-giving.
But every time a man says, “I love you,” we shift something—within ourselves and within those around us.
If You’re a Man Reading This…
Ask yourself:
When was the last time you told someone “I love you”?
Did it feel uncomfortable?
Where do you think that discomfort came from?
Chances are, it didn’t start with you. But it can end with you.
Start by noticing the moments when you feel it. Then—say it. Even if your voice shakes. Especially if it does.
5 Simple Ways Men Can Practice Emotional Vulnerability
Start small – Try: “I appreciate you,” or “I’m glad we talked.”
Reflect on your walls – Journal or talk about what makes it hard to express emotion.
Reconnect intentionally – Call your dad, your son, your friend. Be present.
Normalize deeper check-ins – Ask your friends how they really are.
Say it more often – It may feel awkward at first, but that’s where growth lives.
Say It Before It’s Too Late
If this stirred something in you—don’t let it sit.
Call your father. Text your brother. Hug your son. Tell your friend you love him.
Let love be your legacy.
Please don’t hesitate to pass this on to anyone who may find it valuable.
Inspired story (Part 1): What Is Love? — Blessed Ways of Life
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Youtube Video: The Importance of Mental Health
Short Video: Changing Generations How Men Learn to Speak Love
Personal Reflection:
